prelude to a farewell

i’ve been mulling this over for a while now. in fact I’ve probably been putting it off. but the reality has caught up with me and it’s time i finally pull the plug on this show and send everybody home.

almost 3 years ago I began this little experiment. the idea was fairly simple. a post each day sharing a haiku. a meditation on the day. it became a kind of creative healing. a place to play and park so many of the thoughts that go rolling around inside my brain. this endeavor kept me active and more engaged with the world around me as i looked for new inspiration.

but time has caught up and shifted me now to a different place. the purpose has, i believe largely been fulfilled. i had wanted to share some things and the way i see the world. and i’ve done that. and sure, i could keep it up i suppose, but now it’s time for other projects.

thanks to all of you who joined me on the journey and who are reading this now. thanks for your comments of encouragement. it means a lot. i plan to leave the blog up indefinitely (that is to say as long as blogger allows) and invite you to visit the archives. if there are any missing links or files related to earlier posts, and you would like some more info or the original file, just shoot me a comment and i’ll be happy to respond as i am able.

and finally for those of you who were always wondering or never thought to ask, here is a little insight on the origins of the name “toastrobot”. back at the beginning of this as i was trying to think of a name, i was looking for something that sounded like two opposing ideas, like “iron butterfly”. i love robots, especially the shiny metal toy variety. and the contrast of a warm piece of toast appealed to me. like something fresh. add to it that my motorbike is commonly referred to as a “toaster” and it just seemed to work. anyway, it’s certainly taken on its own life and given me some in return.

so there you have it. may you continue to be blessed as i have been blessed.

mattb

dedicating my thoughts today to the relaxing and meditative cool blue of the floating sea...

the engine of our
 mind at play now overhauled
in a shop of thoughts

transportation for
the new old location called

 imagination

carrug island

one of the reasons i think the t.v. show "lost" was so popular is because i believe within all of us is an island of private thought. a construct of all of the sacred dreams and desires we carry around separate of our connection to others. this place, which i have named "carrug island" appeals to me very much.
it's my place of escape, and a land where a boy may be king. still featuring a restored castle from original inhabitants of centuries past, now open to guests as a kind of museum, winery and b+b. there is also a football field nearby (and when i say "football" i'm not talking about the american offering) which hosts world cup qualifying and exhibition matches from around the world. just to the south of it is the little hamlet of carrug where one can grab a pint of local ale while listening to folk music or spoken word. further south one may choose to stay in our 5 star international accomadations with all modern technology and convenience.
of course the biggest event each year is the vintage moto gp, whose road course challenges riders from all backgrounds and which circumnavigates the island. after the race you may find some of the riders hanging out at the igloo club and dancing the night away. all of this fun does require an organization, and you'll find our three building headquarters and offices down on the southeast side of the island. when we take a break from the busy planning, we like to head down to the gourmet hot dog stand below on street level.
of course there are other attractions and amusements including the carrug peaks, with an still active volcano, and its unusual desert valley below. a large greenhouse cultivating some of our more delicate fruits and flowers, and even a circus show to rival cirque du soleil's. and too there is always the beach. never far from our gaze, it's beautiful blue reminds us that we are always close to life.

the view from street level

back now to the workaday week, with all of its demands. while my head drifts off to faraway places to gaze up at the windows of buildings that no longer exist. and i sense the wrecking ball is closing in.

we sit at the round
table our discussions go
on infinitely

there's a place for us. somewhere, a place for us...

ascending my gaze to thoughts of heavenly rest today in a town called eden...

ground control to major tom...

music for washing and ironing

each weekday i rise early in the morning to get ready for work. and some mornings this is more challenging than others, especially as i say goodbye to my bride of 15+ years still snuggled warmly in bed. and then as i go out into the morning chill to meet the day i am steeled by a resolve that i am meeting my duties as a husband and father as i go speeding off to my job.
meanwhile life moves along at home at its own pace. and as my wife begins to rise and take care of her own duties, what better accompaniment than this vintage vinyl find? the stirring somerset strings moving the ladies through the cycles of laundering. and as midday thoughts may turn their heads to fancy as they look out their windows and see the warming sunshine, reality snaps them back to responsibility as they flip the record over to side 2.

the sparks fly upwards
and send our dreams as letters
on kite strings to God

space age usa

this little collection of images is from our newly acquired matchbook collection. they feature illustrations of the apollo 11 mission into space and lunar landing. i'm not really sure of their origin. although probably not nasa approved, they were most likely produced in the afterglow of the triumphant moon landing. as i looked around a little today i saw quite a bit of other independently produced apollo 11 memorabilia commemorating this mission.


i was just a baby when the world first thrilled to this event, but it has always produced a bit of awe when i think of all the incredible effort that went into the preparation and lead up to that day in july of '69. in my minds eye i see time standing still briefly here on planet earth, as the whole world holds its breath and stares into the night sky at that great beautiful orb and wonders. and stops to look at grainy black and white images through television shop windows. and in those moments tens of millions of the dreams of children are launched as well.

if you'd like to see more images from this collection, there's a nice little lot for auction on ebay here. bon voyage space travelers.

the registry

these are some shots from a recent outing with the boss at his local club breakfast. joe is a member in good standing of the porsche 356 registry. and very soon his own car will be on the road at these meets. we met this day in the parking lot outside san mateo's "mimi's" and i walked around like the new kid in school sizing up the student body. there were easily over a dozen examples of kaiser iron that morning in all manner of vint and condition. the great thing about this club though is that for the most part these guys really drive their machines. i watched as one after another came speeding up in the brisk cold of morning blasting its air cooled honesty for all to hear.


as i walked i watched and listened to the conversations between the owners, picking up new information on their passion and the subtle nuances between models. the fact that what looks like a cosmetic error is actually a drain hole for a sunroof car. as a more or less average carrera pulled up i was astonished as joe leaned over and told me what it was worth as is. and even as the economy has turned so many other investments upside down, all these guys have seen a return both financially and emotionally.

xmas dreams

as i gaze around the living room i am indeed reminded that Christmas time is here again. it sneaks up even as the years seem to speed up. and i can still remember gazing at the new school calendar in september and trying to estimate the days until Christmas break. months seemed to take years. and then we had our brief reprieve. and then it was back to a new year. and as the days grow ever shorter my sadness index increases in thinking about all those now gone days. we move from the anticipation and wonder to the responsibility and planning these holiday activities. sometimes i just miss riding in the back seat of the car and watching my mom or dad drive. and then it didn't matter where we were going. we were cared for, and that was enough.

assumptions

went walking through our still new to us neighborhood the other night. it is named for the local catholic parish that surrounds it. and each night if i step outside at 6 i can hear organ music and church bells ringing. last saturday, headed off to find ourselves a Christmas tree, i heard the bells chiming earlier than usual. this time it was 5pm. so the following evening i decided to head over there and check it out. i saw that they have a 5pm vigil service listed each saturday, but no mention of the 6 o' clock chimes. I later put an e-mail into the parish for an answer.
while i wait though, i have been reflecting on why it's even important in the first place. hearing the distant sound of bells and organ reminded me that i am part of a community, even if i do not attend this church. and in our little digital global community, where we can skype our friends and family in london or buenos aires, i was really digging this old time call to listen. i think about all the little villages and towns through out history that have had a central clock tower or church steeple to put the call out. in these bygone days they announced celebrations or solemn occasions and even sent out alarms for fire and attack from the enemy. so that all within listening distance had opportunity and warning to respond.
and as i walked back home i longed for a deeper sense of that community. in these ever more post modern times i wonder if there will ever again come a time when we will need such a system to call us together.

turn to face the strange

try as i may, change is difficult for me. i know intellectually that much of it is good and proper for a healthy life, and for living things it is necessary, but as i live out the change it is often a great adjustment. certainly so much of what we are adapting to is so subtle it is nearly unnoticeable. we wake and continue to breathe, and go about our days. we grow older and continue to gaze back at ourselves in the mirror. and sometimes we get locked into a rhythm, that left undisturbed lulls us into a feeling that either everything is just fine or gradually depleting us.

and then there are the times of major life adjustments; marriage, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one and the move for a new job. it is the latter i have been adjusting to for a little over 2 months now, and although the landscape is familiar to me, my thoughts keep drifting back to what i've left behind. good friends, my old job and even the apartment where we used to live now seem like a long gone far away and simpler time. sure, these are good times too. don't get me wrong. it's just different now. my birthday and this time of year always serve to remind me that time keeps moving on. who knows, maybe someday i'll look back on this time and feel that it too was a much simpler time. nothing stays the same.

parallel universes

I live in 2 parallel worlds. the past and the present. the future is in front of me and lately i have found it difficult to to stay in the present. i keep time shifting. i'm not doing it on purpose. i'll be sitting with someone at a dinner party talking, trying to stay engaged in conversation, and suddenly i feel my body pulled out and pushed back in time. it happened recently and as the conversation diminished i was 20 years back in time in another place.
sometimes geography triggers it. if i roll past an old and familiar place suddenly the strong memories of that place will take me back to another time, perhaps an incident that left an indelible impression that has not been fully processed. i know you are thinking i am just talking about strong memories here, but it is more than that. even as time never stops pushing all of us forward there are unfinished moments that require us to journey back and engage again.
i will continue to navigate between these 2 worlds even as i press forward. just bear with me if even as we're talking i occasionally appear to be somewhere else.

the trade offs

author mark twain spoke of his great love for the river as a boy. how he loved to be near it, running along its muddy banks watching the sun dance on the water. and as he ran up and down the river bank he was ever fascinated by the river boats that navigated it. like their rail bound counterparts the men who captained these vessels were held in high esteem. one can only wonder what went through twain's young mind as he watched the solitary figure of the river boat captain at his post, keeping eye on the river, and maybe catching his gaze, nodding back to the young boy.
as twain grew he studied diligently to achieve the post of river boat captain, and in fact his pen name "mark twain" is actually a nautical term which refers to a safe depth for river boats. after he had achieved this goal and had been a pilot on the river for some time, he reflected on all that he had given up in doing so. as a captain he was obligated to be constantly on watch for hazards and conditions on the river way that might require quick action from him. he commanded a crew and had to earn and keep their respect. he had the safety of a vessel, its cargo and passengers as his responsibility. and in all of this he realized one day that he had lost the carefree easy attitude that had drawn him to the river in the first place. the poetry and sunsets were gone to him replaced by cold facts which he had taken so much care to absorb as he'd learned his trade.
and so the question is was he better for it? i imagine old sam clemens, now at the pilot house of his own river boat, and as he gazed intently at all that was before him, i see another small boy running to catch site of him. perhaps twain paused from all his work for a moment, nodded to the boy and gave a toot from the steam whistle as the process began anew. and i too am now beginning to feel like old sam.

new life

it's a little like starting over now. a month gone and no posts to mark the passage of time. the process had become second nature to me, almost like a religion. and so a time of sabbatical was called for. it was not planned, but as days stretched into weeks it became clear it was needed. as the song says "time it was, and what a time it was, it was a time of innocence, a time of confidences. long ago, it must be, i have a photograph, preserve your memories, they're all that's left you"
it is different now. so often life hums along at an even pace transforming slowly, almost unnoticeably, but sometimes it crashes through a door, marking a clear point of delineation from one world to the next. this has happened. and as i try to sort out this new life i will endeavor to share it. for now i'm still reeling. everything has changed and everything remains the same. i'm slipping through time now, backward and forward. you may want to grab a handle, things might get bumpy from here on out...