send out the old man
we have beaten him down and
now want the baby

a world within a
hole within a wall within
imagination

inventory

time once again to pull off all those old ideas, wipe the board clean and start over...

stroll the city streets
and recall dim memories
of things now dying

life continues to
feel like survival as we
desperately hang on

the day after

still basking in the afterglow of a weekend celebration where everything that was tightly packaged beneath the tree has exploded to all corners of our home.

to us a child born
for us the Son now given
God with us save now!

(photo courtesy technicator)

holy

and once again, the circle brings us nearly back to the beginning or the end, depending. and as i have stumbled around this Christmas season, making my rounds and sampling the eggnog, a certain song has permeated my consciousness this year. I didn't go looking for it, but rather it found me. and it has inhabited my meditations on this season. to fully appreciate the meaning check out wikipedia's article and the original literal english translation here.
if you can take the time and escape for just a few minutes, i invite you to hear it again afresh. this version is one of my favorites. a little like being back in my boyhood church and then suddenly seeing the walls explode. nothing to watch, so just close your eyes and feel the love that is reaching out to you from Heaven.

(photo courtesy of fred waring and his pennsylvanians)

the cool blue water
brings a relief and healing
to the thirsty tongue

ride home

this is what the beginning of my ride home from work looks like. when i mount the bike, i kick off from a standstill and coast as far as i can. some future time when i have more memory, i'll try and post the entire journey. but for now, come take a little ride...

breathe the air deeply
and fill your soul with a whiff
of creation's scent

away in a shoebox

my little girl created this shoebox nativity. i love the crude beauty of her little creation. that's mary on the left (if you couldn't tell) with the eyelashes. baby jesus is formed from a styrofoam cup (so he'll last forever) and then joseph and a shepherd complete this diorama. the stars of the bethlehem night look as though they're melting against the sky, and all attention is focused on the newborn baby king. so stay as long as you like, but ssshhh...baby jesus is sleeping.

the taste of kindness
builds a wall of protection
that is not bitter

among men

went to see jerry today. jerry is my barber and his shop is just up the road from here in the next town. i always enjoy going to see jerry, probably as much as i used to hate going to the barber as a kid. then i remember it being torture. older guys with sourpuss' snapping at me, telling me to "keep your head up" or "put your head down". i was a sensitive kid, and some of these guys would put the tissue and sheet around my neck so tight i thought i would choke. they'd grab my chin and move my head like it was on a swivel and sometimes it felt like the clippers were digging into the back of my neck.
as i got older i wanted to stay as far away from these guys as possible. i wanted to grow my hair out like the beatles, and later i only wanted to see a stylist, a real professional who knew what she was doing. and then about twelve years ago, right before my son was born i realized i just couldn't justify it in the budget anymore. i consulted with the lady who then cut my hair and she said "well then, you'd better find yourself a good barber". those words have echoed over the years as i have walked out of less than stellar shops feeling like another side of beef on the line in a chicago stockyard.
but when i did find a good barber, i stayed put. the best guys i have known are usually in little hole in the wall shops with a portable tv playing old cowboy movies on a saturday and piles of crappola everywhere. the first guy i remember like this was in san leandro. the shop was called "tony's" and i made the mistake of thinking the guy who ran it was tony. "no, i'm frank" he said. i bought the place from tony. frank was good, but after a year or two he passed away and the shop sat vacant. i found another guy in town almost as good as frank named kenny. kenny liked the old time country music and swore to make a sailor blush. he also had a stack of playboy magazines on the table between the chairs. after another year kenny dropped dead too. i was beginning to feel like maybe it was me.
the next placed i tried was tony and ed's on mission boulevard in hayward. one of my best friend's had been going there since he was a kid. tony and ed were top notch and over the years they had picked up a banter, like a stand up team who knew each other's rhythms and pauses, so that when you left their place you felt like you had gotten a show as well as a haircut. but tony and ed were at the end of their run too, as tony had been promising his wife for years that he'd finally close up the shop, retire and move her to hawaii. my next stop was al's place in the castro village. and here we stayed for the remainder of our time in the bay area. three chairs on weekdays and a fourth on the weekend it also became the first place my boys would remember getting their hair cut.
and now it's jerry. and as i have reflected over the continued journey, even driving over 20 miles to see jerry when he opened up a second shop up the highway, i ask myself what is it that really matters about finding a good barber? because it's more than just the cut, although jerry does a top notch job. i think it's the company. it's one of the last stops left for a man, often the younger man who goes in once a month, makes the small talk and feels that for a brief time this is also his place. an hour or so to leave family obligation and be among men. and as i see the light beginning to fade in jerry's eyes i also have to wonder when i will become the old guy and there aren't any good old barbers around anymore.

i dangle in space
and delight in flight the fight
i am rocket man

battle of the network stars

i got a hold of the first season of the original "wild wild west" show starring robert conrad over the weekend, and introduced my boys to the world of james west and artemus gordon. of course they loved it. for anyone not familiar with the show it takes place post civil war. conrad plays "james west" a former union cavalry officer turned secret service agent reporting directly to president ulysses s. grant. he is a sort of old west "steampunk" james bond who travels in a private train car filled with all manner of gadgets. west himself also stocks a variety of gadgets including a spring action derringer concealed in his jacket sleeve, a portable climbing spike and rope with winch attachment, and his famous spring loaded boot toe blade. as a kid his coolness factor for me ranked right up there with batman, james t. kirk and steve mc queen.
anyway, as we watched these first episodes on a lazy sunday afternoon i suddenly had a memory flash. it was 1976 and i was watching abc's "battle of the network stars" hosted by the legendary howard cosell. this was a show where most of the big 3 network's stars squared off in a mostly friendly olympic styled competition to determine the best network outside of the ratings system. telly savalas, with a cigarette in his hand, captained the cbs team, while gabe kaplan and robert conrad (now appearing on the show "baa baa black sheep") led the teams for abc and nbc respectively. during a baton relay track race, a controversial hand-off between 2 of the nbc temammates led the race officials to penalize nbc, moving them from 1st to 2nd place in the event. this completely incensed captain bob conrad, who had to be talked down from walking out by a consoling richard hatch. in the end robert conrad settled for a 100 yard runoff against gabe kaplan who bested him.


as i re-visited this memory i was struck by how it seemed to define the 70's in my mind's eye. stoic and belligerent conrad mouthing off as a calm gabe kaplan stood by with his cheesy mustache and afro. the establishment anti-hero and the new representation of woody allen counter culture. shades of things to come. and as with just about every other recorded piece i found it again on youtube today. if you'd like to take a time trip you can see the whole event condensed to 9 minutes here.

chill is in the air
while we all work up a sweat
trying to be cool

impossible update

i headed out of the house eagerly the other day, my land camera around my neck, hoping to find success shooting the first roll of my newly acquired film. i had already examined the camera for light leaks, a common problem apparently according to the message boards. i stopped at one of my favorite spots and began experimenting. unfortunately the above was my result.
as disheartening as it is, i realize the enterprise i am engaged in is a much different one than the point and shoot digital world we all have been inhabiting for some time now. this will require time and patience as i try and figure out where to go from here. but though discouraged, i am not yet ready to give up the ghost.
so, now begins the process of learning and re-learning and networking and possibly shelling out more of my hard earned cash to make it right again. ironic, that all this time has passed and will pass still before i am once again able to enjoy the merits of analog "instant" photography.

meditation

the recklessness of water on a sunday.

the inner mind of
a warped frustrated young man
awaits redemption

wonderful

back when i was still in high school, sitting in our downstairs living room flipping the channels on the tv, i ran across an old black and white movie on pbs. jimmy stewart was in a too-big football uniform walking along with a beautiful young lady. i don't know why i stopped to watch. i wasn't yet a big fan of classic movies or jimmy stewart. i guess i was just sort of drawn in. i sat quietly by myself and watched the rest of the movie and welled up with tears at the end as the whole town comes to george bailey's rescue showering him with their gifts of love. that was the week before Christmas that year, and pbs ran the film each day that entire week. i watched it every time it was on.
over the years it's become a regular tradition before Christmas day. one of the highlights for me happened after i was married. a group of our friends went to the paramount theater in oakland to see the show that year complete with a newsreel, shorts and Christmas cartoons. it was truly magical. i had a sense of the wonder small children must have felt as they entered the movie palaces of old for the first time. they even had raffle tickets and a "wheel of prizes".


the christmas of 1991 i worked at the emporium-capwell store as Christmas stock help. i spent most of my time on the 3rd floor in housewares and the Christmas shop. after the holiday i was checking out what remained in the ornament section and spotted this little hallmark collectible. it was marked 50% off original price and i snatched it up for ten bucks. over the years it has hung on all our trees blinking its little marquee light faithfully, the lady at the lighted ticket window waiting patiently, perhaps reading a book and as you approach to see if there are any tickets left she nods and says "you're just in time". recently my friend kyle helped repair the electrical connection and give it new life as use and age had caught up with the little landmark.


what's great to me too about this ornament, is the amount of detail on all sides. the roof lined molding, the star and lovebirds above the marquee. the differing textures of sidewalk, brick and plaster. the fact that there is a little apartment upstairs all pulls a wonderful little story together in my mind. and i love the fact that the scale of it is both very real and impossible at the same time. like one of those cartoons, where bugs bunny or popeye walks into a little building and inside it's enormous. perhaps that best sums up the way i feel about the film. so "merry Christmas you beautiful bijou!"

the play of the mind
enacted before our eyes
transporting outward

fully charged

i was doing an examination of my land cameras the other day to make sure there were no light leaks in the bellows, and as i opened one of them i re-discovered this little vintage flash battery. it's a 3 volt eveready that has the same connectors as a 9 volt. despite much research i have never been able to find a modern replacement. i bought a little conversion pack for 2 aa's to take its place some time ago but still haven't gotten around to it.
as i took another look at this guy i was struck by how much it looks like a tiny space capsule. and then i had a memory of finding objects like this as a kid and how easily they could become simple toys for the imagination. if i look hard enough i can map out the interior of this rocket in my mind. i may have even made intricate diagrams detailing the layout of the ship with multi-levels for bridge, engineering and living quarters for the crew.
so although my little battery is now spent, even showing corrosion at the base, it may become fully recycled and realized again in the imagination of deep space voyage.

the scuttle from here
we stand in line together
speaking in whispers

fallen

spending a little time in downtown yesterday, we walked through tree lined streets as the wind blew more leaves from the trees. families everywhere seemed to be opening garages and pulling out the decorations. a golden retreiver sat on a lawn as if posing for an american postcard. as the rain began to fall and reflect the lights i headed over to the local starbucks to grab a coffee with my father in law. many of the cars passing us by had trees lashed to their rooftops and i enjoyed the conversation as the rain now fell harder and the faint of heart had dropped off from our constitutional. i held a warm eggnog latte in my hand as we walked back from the coffee shop at a quickened pace. later as darkness descended and the rain now steadily poured i was glad to be heading back home, where all is warm and familiar.

in the time of land
you may walk out to winter
i swear i'll be there

impossible gift

a package arrived for me the other day. it was a little belated birthday gift from mom. inside, 3 boxes of the newly developed (no pun intended) film stocks from the impossible project. a triple dip for my land cameras in three delicious flavors. sepia to chronicle my anachronistic activities with serious grain, blue for my fits of melancholy and of course the dessert, chocolate. i'm already racking my brain to come up with some serious subject matter.
but even opening that package and looking at and handling the contents. i've really missed that connection to analog instant film. it's nice to have something that you can touch. and then taking a closer look at the package, i discovered they are labeled "paul giambarba edition" which led me through a fantastic voyage of discovery about this creative genius behind the look and feel of all polaroid graphics and design from the time. he had a great quote i read which said "you know how long it takes to do simple? about ten times longer than fast and dirty." have no fear mr. g, i will take my sweet time getting it right.

foreman turns and says
there's lots more work to do here
as we all dig in

sci-fi soundtracks

i realized again yesterday that i was going to be remiss again in providing some music to share as i have not as yet replaced the needle for my usb turntable. i went on a hunt in the garage and the trunk of my car for a suitable cassette that i could download and share and thought that i had remembered having an old "blade runner" soundtrack somewhere. but i couldn't locate it. and the more i thought about it, the more i wished i could share it. back in the day when i was taking a drawing class at city college, our instructor, a grey haired product of the summer of love would often put on some non-vocal new-agey music while we sketched. blecch. but fairly, she also invited any in the class who were brave enough to share something of their own. conditions being, it wasn't loud nasty rock and roll music and didn't have distracting vocals which might pull our sensitive artistic souls from the tasks at hand.
as i thought about this challenge i remembered this soundtrack by vangelis. he had already scored "chariots of fire" and the music he created for the blade runner film was nothing short of otherworldly. and really that's what i think a good science fiction film soundtrack should ultimately do. take us to another world. and remind us again when we listen at home or in the car or on the walk to work what it was like to taste that world for a little while. so, sadly i cannot share that experience today, but just tease and talk about it a little. and in that vein i also offer 4 more choices to round up my top 5 list for sci-fi soundtracks. music that took me to another place...


obviously i have already spent some time talking about this one, but it certainly deserves inclusion as an avatar of that fantastic journey among the stars.

whenever i hear strauss waltzes i am immediately reminded of this film. the two are inseperable now in my mind. such is the power of film.

and again i wrote recently about this film, but i think it perfectly captured the essence of life in the digital world. a world at that time as alien to us as the distant stars.

and if we're going to have a discussion like this i have to include this score by bernard hermann. hermann is a giant who has scored for hitchcock and welles. and certainly in the sci-fi realm he is no stranger either having done work on the twilight zone and lost in space. but this film with its theremin score put audiences on edge as we watched spacemen land and make us helpless.
so there you have it, my top 5 sci-fi soundtrack roundup. and promises of new music soon.

smaller

you held me safe then
but i was so much smaller
seeing hopeful eyes

still getting over my sickness the past couple of days. even trying to post this is a little difficult. but i am optimistic that i am getting better. thank you doctor!

we roll away the
endless combination of
weekends and time here

yahtzee

my wife and i, we have a little weekend tradition. whenever we get the chance we love to sit down and play a few games of yahtzee. it's a guilty pleasure i know, and enjoyed all the more when the rain is falling outside. we'll put on a record and sit down, and for a little while, it's just the two of us despite the frequent interruptions from smaller people. the set we own is one of these retro revival kind in a wooden box that features an older set of graphics. it promises "an exciting game of skill and chance" and "fun for the entire family".
well certainly it is a lot of fun, and although i recognize the chance element, i am not so sure about the skill on my part. we usually play a rubber match, she and i, splitting the first two games. but more often than not it is she who ends up the victor while i must continually look to become a better sport at losing. i will admit though that there is some skill involved. it's the skill of knowing what the dice are trying to tell you. telling you what they want to be. you serve out a 1, 1, 3, 4, 5 and wonder "should i take a chance and try for that straight? or am i kidding myself? let it come naturally". from the first roll you get a sense of where this is headed. you're either right side up or upside down from the get go.
but if you can hang on, maybe change the odds by turning a bad roll into a full house, you get the feeling that you can do it. paying those rolls upstairs in averages of 3 to try and hit that bonus. trying to balance it all out while letting it ride. no easy task. and every once in a while it all comes together, and you get the feeling it's more skill than chance. but you're just fooling yourself. the dice knows what it wants to be. it's just teasing you along the way.

day like no other
or just another number
never comes again

black friday

as with all of the other retailers today i was open crazy early, fighting back the crowds with hired seasonal security and of course offering insane deals. well, not so much. but there is a new design in the toastrobot store, and a few new additions as well. so stop on by and browse a little and if you don't see anything you like let me know and i'll see what i can do within reason. (i can't afford personal shoppers just yet)
and for the first lucky customer who makes a purchase this holiday season, i'll throw in a little thank you gift from the toastrobot archives. so remember, keep your head. no pushing or shoving. and have yourself a merry little christmas time!

give thanks to the Lord for He is good

work-flo

lull of the night time
rocking me back and forth to
the sweet tunes of sleep

the first step complete
we move on now from here to
the future unknown

go intello!

saturday we went to see our guys take part in their second year of fll competition. fll stands for first lego league which is a robotics competition where teams compete to accomplish different tasks using the lego mindstorms robot. each year's competition features a theme and this year's theme was bio-medical. the teams not only learn to program the robot but must also do research on the theme and come up with a project that fits the theme. my guys' chose to work on knee replacement. the robot tasks are also related to the biomedical theme as the robot had to attempt simulated bone setting, artery stint placement, medication sorting and bad blood cell detection.
last year was their first year and they learned a lot. and this year as the competition grew near it seemd their backs were against the wall in preparartion. on the day of the competition though they showed up. they took a second place award for robot design and first place in robot performance. and now they are heading to the second round of competition. so congratulations intellobricks. great job.

the spirit of your
creativity sweeping
me up to join you

surprised

yesterday was about as good as it gets. i woke to love from my wife and kids who presented me with their handmade gifts. we had breakfast together and then they were off leaving me to keep inventing the day. i watched "let it be" on youtube and then headed out for a quick ride up to weimar via the back roads. the air had a fall chill and there was a haze of fog and smoke as i rode through the scent of burning leaves. i love moving through the old main roads of these towns. past lake arthur and clipper gap. into applegate and heather glen.

and right about there i spotted a graceful doe standing on the road. i slowed for her without the rudeness of tooting my horn, and she slowly moved to the edge of the woods, stopping to look back (i thought at me) before moving out of sight. as i began to accelerate again i caught glimpse of something moving quickly out the corner of my eye. it was a large buck moving to pursue his doe. i could feel his power as he leaped in front of me. my heart felt like somebody had squeezed it and then let go. as i rode back through the same spot later (much more slowly) i noticed the crossing deer sign this time. yeah.
anyway, the rain began to spit lightly as i got close to home. i garaged the bike and came inside to enjoy a cup of tea and a classic movie as the rain fell steadily harder. later barbara and i got to go out alone together for the first time in weeks. we were invited to a surprise party for our friend chelsey. although the rain was still falling and it was getting chillier outside, our little group inside was warming up. the surprise went off seamlessly as chelesy had never suspected a thing.


and our hosts jenni and brian were superb. with a spread fit for kings and beatniks alike, there was no shortage of eye catching decor throughout their home.


upstairs they had created a craft station where we could take our pick of coloring pages from the indie rock coloring book or making felt moustaches or charlie dog magnets. (charlie is kyle and chelsey's pooch)


we stayed until it was time to go, and although it's been a bit of a rough turnaround getting back up at 6 this morning, it really is as letterman used to say "a good kind of tired".