mister new year

you wake up numb. nose and fingers feel like stones hanging from your body. head feels like it weighs a ton. why is everything spinning? eyes are blurry. "where am i?" you lift your head up enough to see that you are partially covered in a pile of leaves lying in mckinley park. the morning light is just starting. you look around slowly. you're all alone. struggle to sit up. head feels like it's on fire. your chest heaves and the cough comes on. god, it hurts. try to stand up. slow, boy. you push yourself off the cold ground and totter as you bend to stand. back feels like a pretzel. can't make it straight anymore. the bottle drops from your left hand. start walking now. yeah, that's it. it's gonna be alright now. shuffle through the park over to g street. pass under the freeway. some folks waking up now and on their way to jobs. you used to have a job. remember? you try to pull your coat collar higher now and ready the come on. that guy scraping ice off the window of his volvo as it warms up. "excuse me mister...can i trouble you for a little change so's i can eat breakfast?" he doesn't say a word, just moves his eyes away from yours and looks downward. you stand there uncomfortably for a good minute as he continues to scrape the ice and then finally start to move on. you hear him close the car door and then open it again. "hey! you say you're hungry?" you stop the shuffle and slowly turn around. he's walking toward you now. "look, you buy something to eat with this, you hear?" his hand turns out a crumpled fiver. "yessah, thank you. God bless you brother man!" you say as your hand reaches up and hat comes down. he stares you over one more time with a skeptical look, like he's shaking his head inside. you hold the smile as he turns to go, then slowly spin to walk the line. half a block now to sunny's. you shuffle inside and sunny greets you as you tip your hat at the door. he's already got the bottle in the brown paper bag by the time you reach the counter. your hand drops the crumpled fiver. you reach inside your coat to grab the rest of the change. it drops and he pushes the coins together counting to himself. he hands you the bag and you reach out to grab it. your fingers still have no feeling. "hey gus!" sonny shouts out as you turn. "happy new year man..." you try to respond but the cough comes out instead. you raise your fist in a salute and shake it as you walk out the door. "happy new year brother man" you say, inside your head.

the instruction booklet for my new colorpack II polaroid is in french! anybody parlez?

season ending now
say goodbye to the old man
welcome the baby

coffee klatch

this is one of the slides i recently found in the stuff my father in-law gave me. not sure who these folks are, but it looks like a nice mellow time. i'm digging these windows into the past...

we drive in drive out
bottles clink between our knees
cold out warm inside

the loot

when i was a kid i'd always call my best friend on Christmas day and we'd go over the Christmas haul on the phone. "atari 2600? no way!"
so in that spirit i want to share a few little items that have recently found their way into my possession. my father and mother in-law moved out of town this week and dad found some things he thought i might like to have. it's a veritable a/v treasure trove.
an old revere eight projector with a canister of films including mickey mouse and woody woodpecker cartoons along with some historical family vacation footage. a couple of slide projectors including a really ancient one pictured here that handles a two slide insert. a vintage 70's polaroid camera with an unopened box of 108 film (which is probably dust now) and a few boxes of records including a great box of rock and roll 45's.
needless to say i have many hours ahead trying to figure out all of this old technology and having fun along the way. and in coming weeks i'll be sharing some of what i find with you. so a very merry Christmas. i hope everyone else got what they wanted too.

helpless king baby
down here in filth and evil
you came to save me

twas the night...

it's funny how fast this day creeps up. i had hoped to be able to put a few more Christmas music postings up before today, but somehow the crazy in the season wrestled it away from me. anyhow, as a little consolation here is one more. it's one i've been singing softly to myself all month. i think it's funny how you hear songs your whole life and then suddenly one year one seems to stand out and say "dust me off and look at me a little closer" i like this one because of its melancholy tone. it makes me sad and happy at the same time. and...it's the chairman, and when he sings it i think of all the sad and happy imagery his life contained. maybe too i'm thinking of all the friends i haven't seen in a while, and this song draws them near in my mind. i don't know. but whatever and wherever you are this year, have yourself a merry little Christmas! (click here to download)

bracing against cold
we ride through pines on and on
a warm place awaits

journey

i've taken to walking to work of late. it is just over a mile from my front door and it doesn't take long. and as i leave around nine-thirty at night and come home around eight in the morning, there are some wonderful changes i see in each trip.
last night it had rained a little. as i stepped out there was a great haze in the air. the streets were still wet and everything had a surreal glow like it was lit for a movie. things were quieting down. few cars passed me. as a pedestrian i move slower and i can really take in all that is around me. the Christmas lights, the sounds from the wetlands. the smell of wood burning in a fireplace. the cold. sometimes i sing or try and write a little verse in my head. it's a great transition from home to work, and i am enjoying these little journeys. when the engine is warm, it only takes about five minutes to cover this distance. but on foot this stretches out to twenty or twenty-five. i can also stop along the way sometimes and try to capture a little of what i see.
i used to regularly drive over an hour to get to work and wondered how i could shorten the time. now it seems i need to stretch it out a little.

i am solitude

stripped bare waiting for spring
a tree in winter

i know what i'm having for breakfast today...

morning to evening
we burn the candle both ends
wake up and relax

bill ding!

i remember one Christmas morning not too long ago, my kids had just finished opening their presents and as we took stock of what they had, we suddenly realized so many of their toys required batteries. so i got dressed and drove over to the walgreen's to stock up. as i stood in line i turned around and there was another dad with an armload of batteries. "Christmas, huh?" he said. yeah...

anyway, this year when we went out shopping we made a point of trying to find battery independent gifts. so far we've done pretty well. and if we didn't already have these, they would definitely be a great addition to the list.

we have all literally spent hours playing with these little guys. at first you think there are only a few combinations, but the longer we have spent trying, the more ways we have found to connect them. they're also fun to look at. so if you're coming up short on gift ideas and need a last minute hit for a child or your own inner child, check them out here. (and no, i don't get any kickback on this)

also since these have been around almost 100 years, there are some great vintage examples out there if you like to look at old things. just google "vintage bill ding"

i am still intact
hong kong to san francisco
long life is the key

santa's village

apparently, you just follow your dreams to get to santa's village...using a napkin and a couple of freeways that no longer exist.

season's eye ear tuned
to unwrap expectations
focus on present

you meet the nicest superheroes...

i picked up a book at the library the other day of teen titan comics from the 60's. i was too busy to read it the first day and my son started to read it instead. as we were driving in the car he said "hey dad, why do all the superheroes ride hondas?" "what?!" then he showed me one of the stories he was reading. sure enough, all the teen titans were on supercubs sans helmet. i checked the original publish date on these - 1965. that was just about the time all of soichiro honda's marketing in north america was starting to pay off.
i kept reading hoping the teen titans would end up running into a bunch of nasty bikers on big harleys and get into some kind of fracas. they did meet a gang of high school dropouts, who rode little bikes too. it made me realize what a different time it was. back then you could walk into a dealership and find choices from 50cc on up in 10cc increments. nowadays you can hardly find a street ride smaller than 250. which is why i was so excited when i saw the return of the supercub recently. well ok, it's not a true honda, but it is produced by sym, the company that has produced the cub all over the world for the past 20 years or more. who knows, maybe we'll see a whole new generation of post-emo kids riding through city streets on these and actually smiling.

in dark halls we pass
giving each other cold stares
light beyond our touch

jingle bells, batman smells...

when i was small i used to play under our christmas tree. i’d roll my die-cast batmobile around the living room as i recreated those scenes in the t.v. show where after receiving an urgent call from commisioner gordon’s office at police headquarters, batman and robin left the undisclosed location of the batcave tearing through the outskirts of gotham city.
underneath the christmas tree was a small wooden church with that sprayed on glittering plaster that you can still find on old apartment ceilings with a lightbulb inside. but for me it served as gotham city police headquarters as the batmobile would again and again roll up and parallel park in front.
sometimes batman and robin would both get out, and go inside, sometimes robin would wait in the car. once i think they may have even towed the batboat as if making one last stop by the office before leaving town for the weekend.
the small plastic batman and robin always remained fixed in their seated position so that even when they got out of the car to fight the obligatory bad guy from my james bond car, who by the way had no legs but did have a gun, they were forced to fight in a crouching position.
once i thought my mom had sucked batman up into the vacuum cleaner and though i tearfully pleaded with her to look inside, emptying the vacuum bag on the kitchen floor and newspaper revealed nothing. a couple weeks later i was outside with my cousin and a large flock of birds flew over our heads. she told me whenever you saw a lot of birds together it was good luck and that if you made a wish it would come true. i wished that i could find my batman and then ran inside the house and into my room. i opened my sock drawer and there he was.

ice

rode to the bay to see my friend todd yesterday and felt the frigid chill along the way. snow still sits on the low east bay hills. i guess we're having a little bit of what they call a "cold snap". todd has electric gloves to keep his hands nice and toasty. hmmm, may have to look into that.

gigantor is on
smashing planes and tanks fist feet
i wish i was him

favorite things 05

alright, i am admittedly a big swiss army knife guy. always have been. there's something so cool about an army who historically have seen little action that go marching around with a multi-tool in their kit that has a corkscrew on it. "hey nico, good marching today!" "yes levin, now let's crack open that magnum of cabernet!" "i don't feel like fighting anymore..."
but as great as the sak's are, there's one thing they don't have that i always seem to need in a jam. those grabby things that snap together. i guess that's part of why tim leatherman originally wanted to create one in the first place.
multi-tools aren't the first best option for every job. theyr'e like hybrids, in the sense they do many things, but not necessarily all of them well. and yet i always seem to be reaching for this thing. maybe partly because it's easier to access in my bag than going out to the garage every time i need a tool. and it actually saved me big a couple years back. if you want to read more check out my little contribution to leatherman's tool tales here. (it's in january 2009)

like a rare flower
you appear and bloom today
a gift from above

the healer

it seems like pain is a theme in the lives of some of the people i love this week. i wrote a short piece about healing a few years back during a difficult period. i think now is the right time to share it.

pain is not pleasant. we twist and run to escape it. but pain has its purpose. pain alerts me to the hurt I must address. pain requires some kind of response. i can choose to ignore it, or i can medicate it and somehow try and bury it. but it will not go away until i decide to seek healing. and healing may not be my immediate desire. the pain has become a familiar-something i have grown to live with and accept. it may be crippling, heavy and burdensome but it is my burden. and perhaps the ownership is something i don’t wish to give up.
but if and when i do, it will require submission. i must lay still and let the healer attend me. often anesthesia is unavailable on the battlefield. i might prefer to be asleep, but the healer tells me i must be awake. i am a part of this process. he forces me to confront the wound. i do not want to see it. it is ugly and it has disfigured me. i don’t like seeing what is inside of me opened up this way. i feel helpless-broken.
the healer’s hands are gentle yet firm and confident. and he attends to the work directly. i want to stop it. i want to get up and feel the pain no more, but the healer directs me softly to lay still. he tells me there will be some more pain as he tends to this wound but that it is necessary for the healing to have a lasting effect. he says that the wound has been treated many times before by someone who is unskilled and that it has become infected. only his treatment will cleanse and restore it.
his hand touches the wound. i scream and cry. he finishes his work and then holds me, my sobbing muffled against his strong shoulder. he waits for me to finish crying and then whispers in my ear. “it is done. you do not have to bear it any longer.”
the weight is gone. my burden has been lifted. i am free. how could i ever have lived like that? that was not life. the healer tells me however that i may experience the pain again. if i am not careful i may re-open the old wound or experience a new one. he says that he is the only one who can properly heal, and if i continue to try and take care of these wounds by myself they will never fully heal.
he gives me cool water and i drink. the water is refreshing and tastes good. i am restored. i want to stay here with the healer and be safe from futher harm. but he tells me it is time for me to go. there are others out there on the battlefield who require his attention. and as i am able, i must do what i can to help bring them to the healer.

bus selecta

if you haven't already been on the busselecta site, you should definitely check it out. for all of us vw fans with infinite aspirations and limited resource it is a great substitute for a garage full of old german vehicles. and now they have types 1 through 3 along with pre-73 porsches as well. you can pick out body style, wheels, paint and accessories and even adjust the height and rake of your ride. then save it somewhere for the day when you actually drag some poor beast home to remember why you went looking in the first place.

small bug blade of grass
i watch you move on concrete
inside you scaled down

ladies...kindly mind your chapeaus

a bit of lantern show for today's folly.

they say it can't be
we reach to split the image
the power within

deck the halls...

so as we are now officially in the Christmas season, i wanted to share a little Christmas package. i don't know about you, but i can't get enough new Christmas music. even though from here until new year we'll all be hard pressed to get away from it, i'm ok with that. it's like a compressed time that when properly kept under wraps can be enjoyed without overdose. so this first pick is from a children's album called "the night before Christmas" it's an old peter pan 45 in our collection. definitely check out the track called "the Christmas tree that ran away". it fits well into the rudolph misfit toy category.

next up is another 45 i found in the collection of my wife's deceased aunt. i don't know the story here. it clearly looks like something you would have gotten from the chevrolet dealership back in the day. a real nice little gift. i can just see the showroom decorated for the holiday, salesmen in grey and brown suits on the make. "good afternoon sir, can i show you something? the new bel-air, or an impala convertible perhaps? no? well, then perhaps something for the wife. our little corvair makes a great runabout for in town driving and the gentlemen can enjoy it's sporty aspects on the weekend! no? well, let me at least give you one of our complimentary Christmas records. the featured artist is dinah shore. yes, that's right sir. merry Christmas to you too."

and finally, this is one i picked up at an in store reading of the book "olive the other reindeer". the author handed one out to all us kids. it's one of those flimsy plastic records they used to put in cereal boxes. it's recorded by one of the "johns" (can't remember which one) from they might be giants. anyhoo, if you like tmbg, it's a tough one to find. so there you have it, my little Christmas package. and who knows, maybe one or two more will find their way under the tree before december 25. so enjoy all this great music by clicking the link to download here.

ssr

ssr means sustained silent reading. but you already know that because it’s what you’re doing right now. it’s what we do for 30 minutes before p.e. starts every day. mr. thomas tells us “find a spot, and no talking!” and we all spread out. i climb to the top of the bleachers which are retracted and sit under the drone of the fluorescent lights and breathe quietly to myself. mr. thomas is one of the better ones. he doesn’t say what we have to read like some of the teachers do. today he’s scanning a copy of sports illustrated. most of the other guys have mags too. car mags, rock mags and no doubt one or two have a copy of penthouse or playboy concealed beneath one of their “cover” mags. i’m reading a copy of mad today. if i stretch it, i might be able to make it last all week. i’ll literally read it from cover to cover including all the copyright b.s. and the address and everybody's name. i especially like the little cartoons they put in the margins. a lot of people don’t even notice them. right now i’m reading one of those bits where they take a song and write new words to it. i don’t always know the songs, but i know this one. it’s the Christmas song “we three kings” it’s got a cartoon of these guys drinking in a car. the lyrics go “we three clods from omaha are spending Christmas eve in a car. driving, drinking, glasses clinking, who needs a lousy bar?” i’m trying not to laugh because that would disrupt he first “s” in the ssr. but it’s great. i can hear the voices of these guys singing in my head. “ohh...drink to charlie drink to paul drink to friends we can't recall. swerving, speeding signs unheeding drink to anything at all” ok, that last line didn’t quite work, but it’s still funny. i’m smiling now as i look around like i’ve got this little secret. way better than the playboy and penthouse guys. second verse - - - “we three clods are feeling no pain. drunk as skunks with booze on the brain. senses losing 'til we're cruising into a wrong way lane” hahaha. that’s funny. “ohh...drink to melvin, drink to fred. drink to those two trucks ahead. headlights flashing screeching, crashing drink till they pronounce us dead” again that last line. maybe if he said “drink til they say we’re dead” it doesn’t matter though because i’m busting a gut now. hahaha! at which point mr. thomas looks up from his s.i. and yells “brown!” which means i’ll be running an extra lap today. totally worth it...

can you hear me...

my ear is infected. going to try and take it easy today. the pain is exquisite. when i lay on one side i can hear my own heart swooshing through liquid. and if i curl up and close my eyes it sounds like i'm back in the womb.

in times of trouble
lift your eyes up to heaven
and sense the wonder

window shopping

as the traditional first day of christmas holiday shopping begins today, i wanted to share a little of the wonder i remember as i passed the windows into my own desires. happy hunting!

in all things give thanks
it is the will of God
in Christ Jesus for you

almost missed it...

the dawns light is coming on now. he pushes his old ford escort a little harder down the boulevard as it gasps for air. the streets are empty except for the all-nighters, stumbling up and down sidewalks. he holds on to the wheel loosely as the cold numbs his fingers. "gotta fix the damn heater soon" he thinks. "maybe next paycheck" the ford crawls into a driveway and the fan belt lets out a yell as he lurches up the drive. he pulls into a stall and it shudders again as he kills the ignition. he gets out and closes the door which rattles the window as he lets it slam. he pulls the coat up around his neck and walks up to the front of the cafe. as he opens the front door he can feel the swirl of cold air rushing past him seeking to mingle with the warm inside. he lets the door swing and shuffles up to the counter. the fresh coffee fills his cold nostrils and he hears the sizzle of sausage from the grill. the walls are decorated with paper pumpkins and turkeys and cornucopia displays of paper corn and vegetables. all around him are great swaths of brown and orange. he sits down and folds his hands on the counter. the waitress is young and pretty in a plain way. she looks tired, but it is a tired that makes her more attractive. the name on her badge reads "judy". she smiles as she turns over the cup in front of him and pours the coffee. "usual?" "uh, yeah...no. i mean, isn't it thanksgiving today?" "hmm? oh, yeah. i guess it is. i work the overnights so much i forget sometimes when one day ends and the other begins. you want somethin' different?" "i, uh...well, if there's..." "we're not servin' the special till later. but i think the chef's got some sliced turkey in the frig. i could heat up some if you like. maybe find some sides to go with it. would you like that?" "yeah, that'd be real nice." she turns to go, putting the pencil back behind her ear and he turns to look around. gus is over in the corner booth working out the shakes over warm coffee till the bar across the street opens. doris and ben have a big stuffed dog on the table and she's talking to it. and on the waiting bench karl has a newspaper laid over his face as he saws logs. yeah, they're all here alright. judy returns with a steaming plate and lays it down in front of him. "turkey, potatoes, stuffing, green beans and cranberry sauce. and i heated up the gravy too. it's all there. you want anything else?" "thanks judy. uh, i, know you went to a little bit of trouble for me and i really appreciate it. i was just wondering..." "yeah?" "would you mind making up extra plates for all my friends here?" judy gazes out into the restaurant. "them?" "yeah, i'd be real grateful." her face tightens up a bit like she's getting ready for a fight. and then it softens as she looks back at him. "what the hell." she says. "four more specials." "thanks judy. happy thanksgiving." "happy thanksgiving."

fire hydrant 003

in the sierras at our family cabin this little hydrant peeks up from a hill across the street. i used to wonder why it sat so exposed. erosion? but as winter drops a big blanket of white, and then the snow plows heap it on, it's all this little one can do to stay above it. clearly the little pine at its base is enjoying the source as well. this will no doubt be a problem in years to come unless somebody else notices it as well.

so much to sort out
take stock of all that we have
begin to clean up

get yourself some takeout from the place around the corner and finish out the weekend well.

quilttown

my wife's cousin carol makes these fantastic quilts for our kids. each one is a unique art creation. this one was made for my littlest guy and she actually made two, one for another cousin born about the same time as caleb. they fit together like two counties linking a shared road. admittedly i have had as much fun cruising around quilt town as the kids. there's a great downtown area, a forest for camping and a river running through the whole town. something for everyone. so the next time you're taking a road trip, stop by and see us.

breakdown forced to stop
everything we need is here
if we look harder

time again...

life begins anew
on day fifteen-thousand three
hundred forty-one.

shaking

my thoughts are shaking

faster than my hands

too slow to catch

all that flashes by

themselves disappearing

into nothing

carrying infinite possibilities

of decision

and outcome

there is nowhere to run

no time to sit

still

i try to capture

a glimpse

of what

i see

the world is spinning too fast

i haven't

made

a connectiion

i can

count on

for the

rest of my

life

how do you do it?

the new lo-fi

All around us technology is moving at a breakneck pace. The new is old before it’s out of the box and we all go around the product cycle chasing after the tip of the razor on the cutting edge. There’s even a sliding rule of tech-ability and elitism measuring both an individual’s success and cool by their up to the minute possession of the latest and greatest gadgets. If you have the last version of the newest device, you’re a target for scorn in tech circles.
And yet in the midst of all this endless chasing after the wind, there has emerged a new “lo-fi” sensibility. No, I’m not talking about the old “lo-fi” followers like myself, clinging to a vanishing analog, kicking and screaming as we are dragged on to the digital matrix. The old lo-fi followers are integrating into the new, and with that comes a world that in many ways looks similar to the old.
Here are some examples. When television was in its infancy, both the devices and the programming looked pretty primitive compared to today’s standards. The screens were small, the content fuzzy and some folks were just puzzled as to why anyone would want to sit in front of a little box and stare at the grey pictures when they could go to the movie theater and see a full color show that was larger than life.
Now compare that to the way people today stare at comparably small screens on their computer laptops and desktops watching hour after hour of sub-par video as some folks wonder “why would you want do that when for a few thousand dollars you can get yourself a big screen with HD and surround sound?”
In the 1950’s transistor radios began showing up allowing users to share hand held music wherever the signal reached them. Although a marvel, the tradeoff was a relatively smaller output in sound and the loss of tonal qualities that were more and more available in the new “stereophonic” recordings.
Now consider the cellular phone as a replacement. You can download songs right to your phone and hold the music in your hand in the same way teenagers of the fifties and sixties did sharing the latest tunes blasting crudely from an even smaller and sometimes less sophisticated speaker than the transistor radio.
And then there’s home movies. When 8mm movie cameras first showed up, they gave people the ability to capture their memories on the spot with real movement and then later, (gasp) color! Forget the fact that there was no sound and the images were often washed out or grainy. You had your own movie camera and sharing the family vacation would never be a static event again.
And today many digital still camera and cell phones also display a primitive if not reminiscent look to those old home movies. Sure, for not much money you can get yourself a pretty good little digital video set up, but I’m talking now about the devices that were intended for quick clips, many without sound. Some of the first digital cameras had a video quality that has become today’s old home movies.
So there you have it. What’s new is old. And the old is suddenly new again. And the lo becomes hi, and the so called hi looks lo again. Oh well, I guess the most important thing isn’t the devices we use, but how we use them. What we capture and record. We may look back and laugh at the way media is transferred, but in the end it’s all about the story we’re telling about ourselves.